And the Heart Goes To...

I'm wearing a new suit today. I'm not only pleased by its appearance, but also the fact that it is new. You see, despite the relatively formal attire socioculturally demanded by my place of employment, I'm not well-off and a new suit is a rarity.

We can thank the girlfriend.

I had mentioned to her recently, much to her surprise and possible offense, that I still struggle to think of myself as part of a couple. I am reminded only when I speak to others who mention that they are alone or when another member of a couple mentions their partner. This is despite the fact that I see her literally every day, and have since we started dating. It is not out of any desire to be with someone else, nor any desire to be single. Certainly, no. Yet every time I am reminded, there is a pleasant, sedated surprise -- as if I never really knew it until that point.

I struggle to concieve of myself as a member of a couple because it has been so long since I was in love and, truthfully, I've never been with anyone long enough for the feeling of partnership to set in, the kind of conceptual understanding that develops only with time and trust. Psyche glimmered with those possibilities, but our relationship was apparently destined to be transient, as if perhaps a dream. A vivid dream, but a dream nonetheless.

With Bean things are different. Yes, what a silly statement. Everyone says "with this one it's different", but I suppose it's always true given that no two relationships are alike. I guess I should say that with Bean things are different, in a way that is proven to be good and established.

One of the questions I constantly ask myself now is whether or not this relationship, despite it's passion, health, partnership, and understanding, could fail? The thought of it seems ridiculous, but I am a man of possibilities. I strain to see these scenarios, how they could happen, and how to prevent them. Bean and I are always offering one another reassurances, and we both sincerely mean it, and have little doubt, if any. Promises of forever are, however, on the grand scheme of things, a best intention and literally could not be more, given chance and life's randomness.

And its frailty.

My heart presumes no outcome, but it loves, and so it hopes and hopes and hopes. From those hopes, the seemingly endless will to fight so that it never ends.