In An Instant

I'm an extremely strong advocate for the Butterfly Effect. Which is a silly thing to advocate for, because in reality it is not only present but unavoidable. Causality is the ultimate trip: action begets result, but those results are not always predictable. For someone who spends the greater part of his life searching for patterns in the fabric of reality, you have to imagine that I am surprised to... be surprised.

Persephone came out of the woodwork like a butterfly floating through a field of gray. I sat among the rotting memories and sober conclusions of solitude for what seemed like an eternity (two years). I wouldn't say I was totally without hope. I hoped for the future. I hoped for peace. But I never expected this.

I would tell you the story of how we met and connected in its entirety, but that's less intriguing than the process, at least for the purposes of this blog entry. I'll just elaborate on where it starts. I barely knew her to start, but Persephone was going through some rough shit. I mean, of course, heartache, confusion, etc. Things I'm well acquainted with. So Persephone makes a facebook (is there a TM sign I can insert here?) post with awesome lyrics from a Paramore song I was unfamiliar with at the time. Naturally, I asked her to identify the band/song. She does. Then I ask her how she's doing. She asks me if I'm free for coffee.

Hold the phone. A pretty lady asks me if I'm free for coffee? This guy? Well, naturally I'm attracted to fair Persephone, but I understand she's been through a lot. I'm also tired as hell. I had promised myself that I would take care of myself first. But you know what? One last hoorah for the common good. More than likely, I was just going to be messing with my emotions by trying to help someone I'm attracted to. But it seems like she could use it, and she definitely trusted me enough to meet me early in the morning, by herself. I am a safe harbor. Maybe I can make her feel better somehow. So I decided to go. I didn't know it at the time, but romance was calling.

On this simple choice hinged what true believers refer to as Destiny. The Plan.

While it may be such, I know with certainty that it is at least the Butterfly Effect. I could've said no. I could've changed the date of said meeting. But hell, why not now? My choice beget a whole series of results, further choices, further actions. It was like being in a dungeon maze, opening a door you passed by at one time and never opened before, and finding that it led outside, a version of outside you never believed existed. An outside you felt but never saw.

I set foot in that coffee shop and I haven't looked back since. I'm not just in love, I'm loved back. I'm cared for. I'm understood. I'm trusted. I'm listened to. I have a partner in crime (or justice). I have someone to laugh with and someone that gets me.

Is there something spiritual about the Butterfly Effect? Does it lead us where we are supposed to go? Or is causality simply impartial?

I'm not sure. But here I am reaping the rewards of a universe where minor actions make major life changes.

In Which There Are Code

Air is quite an evocative term bearing a lot of imagery, and I think that is well-deserved. Because we are a self-aware and sentient species, we are jealous of those breeds which can manipulate it. We long, sometimes, for the relative freedom of the birds. This, however, is tangent to my point. The point being, we need air. To breathe.

We breathe. Sometimes we cough, sometimes we sneeze, sometimes we find ourselves being choked by strange men in alleys or large snakes native to the Amazon River basin. But the expression "a breath of fresh air" is tellingly expressed to describe when someone is encountered by a person, place, or thing which pleasantly contrasts with the hum-drum of their daily lives.

For the past couple of years my life has felt fairly stagnant. Occasionally, I've had my encounters with something fleetingly interesting and, also, the periodic hangover. There has lately, however, been a whipping of the winds somewhere in the valleys of my mind and in the events of my life. The stagnancy is bubbling from underneath with fermented product. I am feeling a breath of fresh air. Perhaps more than one such breath -- or one such air -- I think when we are dealing with pluralities the expression starts to self implode. Bottom line: I'm feeling pretty vital.

I have determined that at some point this blog will be connected to Martini's, so I'm going to start giving people codenames, Martini being one of them. I am not an explicitly private person, but codenames can be fun and I sometimes need to handle things... delicately... for the sake of others.

Since Psyche, I have interacted with many different women on a purely platonic level. Gunrack was sweet, even kind, and will do some man rather well, just not me. After all, I do not own a gun, let alone many guns to necessitate their racking.

Now, somehow, there is a strange whisper in my heart. A glimmer at the corner of my eye. Things are happening. The world is turning again. Psyche is a painless memory. Gunrack, a friend kept carefully at a distance, for whom I wish all good things. And everyone who proceeded them I bear no ill will, just a future of success and happiness with someone who will help them achieve it. I will wait for that person now. And I will know her when I see her, not her face, but the depths of her. I will stare at her and through her. And I will commit to nothing as I commit to recognizing the difference between wanting to see her, and seeing her.

It is a strange thing to be human. Quite a bit more bizarre to be the person I am. I reflect on my own psychological geography and wonder at how life is colored by our perceptions. It is strange, too, how a chance encounter or a road not traveled (yet) can reveal so much more than we anticipated.